cesspools in eden.

hrm.

2011-08-11T20:37:00.000-07:00

it's been two or three days since my boything left for bc. i'm definitely worried about him, and more so our relationship. i know traveling & the freedom it allows, and it's a love hate thing. i miss matt, no matter how detached i originally planned on being.

also, two weeks plus without getting laid is gonna suck. goddamn.

it's allowed me to be a bit more social though. i made amends with my old roommate's girlfriend and we had some beers yesterday. that was definitely lovely :3 just crazy, drunken occult times, exploring the creepiest house i've ever lived in to an extent that i never did when i lived there. it was super chill & we got along fine. i gained some amethyst, a fuckton of knowledge regarding sacred rocks, and a new female friend to be all girly with. it was a good decision.

today i murdered the better part of 26 and a 66 with my brother & his friend. it was super cool. pounding drinks & pounding old rap. for a thursday, i couldn't imagine a more chill day.

ho-hum. as much as i love it here, i gotta get on the get go traveling. gonna catch up with matt in bc hopefully, but realistically i'm just aiming for edmonton.

but onwards to that final half of the 66. cheers.

aaaargh.

2011-07-27T00:40:00.000-07:00

please lord, be merciful and let me find my own place again by september. alone.

blinded by dramatics, ignoring all the passion.

2011-07-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

i now understand my turning point. there's the blissful and the hateful, and that's divided very clearly between the ninth and the tenth drink. it's where good ideas go to die.

here's to death.

aha.

2011-07-19T09:58:00.001-07:00

note to self: if you have a beer in yr hand, your phone should not be in the other, nor should you be anywhere near a computer.

new years, two thousand nine.

2011-07-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

blackout

that night i decided that i do not fear death through a chain of twelves.
twelve hours,
twelve shots,
twelve drunk connections
that i shouldn't have made but did anyways.

i wore out my voice
and most likely my welcome
and wished for nothing but
an empty bed.

sober, the thoughts of
irrationality and self destruction seem pure,
only in the sense that i actually have to feel to experience them.
when it happened, i met the circumstances as a
sluttering, indignant disaster.

i stood out on that balcony and
looked down past my scarred hands on the railing,
and welcomed the rest of the world to do it's worst,
for all those i could put a name to already had.
.

fall in light.

2011-07-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

And if you fool yourself
You will make him happy
He'll keep you in a jar
Then you'll think you're happy
He'll give you breathing holes
Then you will seem happy
You'll wallow in his shit
Then you'll think you're happy now.

I argue for clarity, not submission. I don't want to hear you say "I love you"

serenity.

2011-07-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling rather at peace. no sleep last night, and stuck in a strange pocket of time dilation at the moment.

on my way to drunk. about eight beers in. here comes the promise land.

but there's no anger this time, nor sadness. just elation. i'm fairly content with my being right now, and it's a beautiful thing. i've realized that there's a life outside of what i've condemned myself to, and a very promising one at that.

i think this is what confidence, albeit quiet confidence, feels like. i like this.

this is why i do what i do to myself.

seven deadly sins.

2011-07-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

i'm ashamed. it's impossible to build self esteem this way.

some stomach pain, a lot of puzzle pieces to connect. i've built myself up in my mind as this untouchable, complex being and had my ego absolutely laid to waste last night.

i'm uncertain as to where i should go from here. this feels like the part where i should have an epiphany, but nothing has come to mind.

cue the violins.

the cold part.

2011-07-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

happy canada day. with a 24 of beer & a 26 of ouzo under my belt, this shall be a heavily edited entry in the name of readability.

the people i saw today, i'm comfortable with. i didn't go to the park. i just got schmammered and stayed home. and i'm glad. it's the kind of medication i need.

yes, i had to mediate. yes, the situation was brought on by me mostly. but once my brother passed out i had a glorious time despite the black clouds forming above my head.

i honestly think my boyfriend is cheating on me with his friend that just came back from hawaii. and his friend that i know he fucked the last time we were in calgary that just came to visit. i call him every day and i still feel a difference. it's so awkward and presumptuous to bring up. how do i even bring such a thing up without sounding absolutely insane?

goddamn. i give this simple situation much more merit than it probably deserves. i sound obsessive and i don't mean to be.

honestly, i'm depressed, and the good things don't shine like they used to.

something wicked this way comes.

2011-06-29T01:32:00.000-07:00

i come bearing writing! still a work in progress.

"what is it to live and die?"
i breathed between the smoke and sighed
for want of nothing but a better word
in what i'd spoke and what i'd heard

and all the while the city sleeps and dreams of simple things,
a new dawn breaks, hands shake, and morning birds begin to sing.
so pull those tired eyes open, you've got a lot of things to do
promises to keep and make and say you'll follow through

"arise, my child, and let this caustic conflict pass your lips
for you are weak, and i am strong" and i raise my glass to this
while in the distance music plays, a bitter symphony
of sweet high notes with good intent to further deafen me

but all i do is drink & speak when one should hold their tongue
and four o'clock, i'll lay down, and claim this war as won.

portrait of the artist as a young woman.

2011-06-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

allow me to briefly and erratically summarize myself.

i write. a lot. the vast majority of it isn't very good, but it's something i enjoy doing and what better way to improve than practice? i have at least fourteen notebooks filled front to back, the oldest being from six years ago. it's always been a hobby of mine. i used to write solely prose, but it's now mostly poetry.

i also read. a lot. i really like existentialist literature. i think i'm the only person i know that's actually finished crime and punishment and enjoyed it. i must have been only twelve years old when i heard a clip of jack kerouac reading from on the road and bought the book the same day. that got me started on the beat generation authors, and that lead me into philosophy. i also absolutely love vonnegut. the way he balances science fiction, simplicity, and social commentary is flawless.

i'm a film aficionado. some of my favorite directors include michel gondry, wes anderson and the coen brothers. i'd really love to get into film, but i don't think that i have the patience. i have crazy horror movie dreams and i'd love to be able to allow other people to experience the things that i have inside my head. it's very rare that a horror movie is considered "good cinema" and that's an absolute shame.

i could probably drink you under the table at any given time. drinking is where i'm a viking. when i stopped eating acid like it was going out of style, drinking became my sport of choice. it's been a long, sloppy journey. at the beginning of last summer, three beer got me blackout drunk. now i can put away a fifteen like nobody's business. my body must hate me.

personality wise, i'm a bit of a chameleon. it really depends who you are/when you catch me during the day. if i'm comfortable with you, i can be as charming and witty as i please. i'll probably be down for some in depth conversation or try to show you something i've written. this is rare. appreciate this. otherwise, i'm usually crushingly shy and quiet. if you ask me for an opinion, even for something as benign as what we should do, what i want for supper, etc, you aren't very likely to get one. i can also be incredibly cold and vengeful. when i experience emotions, it's always to an extreme.

i love antiques. i used to be on a first name basis at three antique stores around the city. i try to surround myself with as many old things as i can. things from decades past have so much more personality and charm to them. i'd love to have an apartment furnished in 1940's decor. one day, i'll have that place and never go outside. i think i was born out of my time.

i'm fairly detached from the world. i tend to spend most of my time alone, caught in the clouds. i find it very easy to step back and look at situations from a third person point of view. i look at life like it's a film instead of actual events unfolding. i think this is why i find it hard to form relationships with most people.

i'm a terrible insomniac. i usually just pound coffee and write all night. it's very rare that i fall asleep before dawn. there's nothing as relaxing as having a cup of coffee and a cigarette and watching the sunrise. i only sleep every two days or so.

ah, i think this'll suffice for now.

fancy footwork.

2011-06-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

here's a rough copy of a poem i'm working on.

sodom & gomorrah

i want to snap your strings,
push you til freefall.
maybe you'll sink.
maybe you'll swim.
maybe you'll flee as you should.

for i built these walls to
drown you in rainwater,
like rats in a storm drain.
welcome to my home of
flies & concrete,
and don't hesitate when the door
locks behind you.

and don't bat an eye when that
spark
ignites the gas lines and
the smoke swells,
walls crumble,
and the ashes drift off into a sea of
brilliant blue.

this is your new dawn.
arise from the ruins,
and never look back.

stomach aches & the shakes.

2011-06-22T22:55:00.000-07:00

went to the bar last night, and that was a mistake in itself. it's difficult to feel comfortable in a room full of people you can hardly even talk about the weather with. i just had a few, crossed my fingers that i wouldn't die on the way home, and only genuinely felt comfortable when i had the chance to lay down with my boyfriend. sloppy drunken sex ensued, and it temporarily made up for the previous awkwardness.

but, as day broke & my liver was ready to go again, i was thrown exactly back into last night's feelings. i think i was born under a bad sign, or at least misprogrammed. when we stopped to get chase, my boyfriend asked me what i meant by awkwardness. i explained that, as neurotic as this sounds, i automatically assume that everyone has a problem with me unless i'm met with unbridled kindness, and i haven't been from most of the people i've met through him. i was going to say that it's a lot to ask, but hell, i try to do that with everyone. it doesn't hurt to crack a goddamn smile and lose your fucking illusions. he doesn't understand how i can feel like the latter. hardly anyone has a problem with him. he's had people take out fucking loans just to get him drunk and, this may be presumptuous, win his friendship. he's a desirable person. i've been taught my whole life that i'm not.

if this treatment had started now, i'd probably shake it off very easily, but this has been something that's been going on right from my earliest memory. yeah, i can be a dick. i'm not conventionally attractive. i don't form close relationships in a traditional manner. i'm absolutely impenetrable in comparison to most people.

and i'm jealous of others. if friendships came easily for me, i'd be in fucking heaven.

and from this, i've realized that i have this insatiable need to be validated. i push people away, just to see if they'll come back. most often they don't. i almost lost my boyfriend because of that childishness.

isn't it in our nature to want what we can't have though? i've been denied that all of my life. i think the only person who has actually chased me to apologize is my brother, and because of that, i've always got that motherfucker's back. hell, i've chased him through blizzards in strange cities just to make sure he's okay. that's called reciprocation.

but back to this whole validation thing. i think that's always been the fuel for my traveling. let's take my buddy nick as an example here. i'm always excited to see him when i hear he's passing
through the city. if he were here every day though, i'd fucking wring his neck. hell, when he crashes at my place for the week he usually does, i feel like that by day five, but that feeling always disappears after he disappears. maybe i've wore out my welcome. i'd love to catch out & return to people who missed seeing me around as much as i miss seeing nick around.

sometimes the difference between the drastic or mild is just simply saying that one is needed.

train with no love.

2011-06-19T04:08:00.000-07:00

goddamn, since i moved back in, i've been placed right back in my role as crowd control.

i'm so tired of trying to keep my brother in check. three years ago, when i was kicked out, it was one of my biggest reliefs to not have to mediate things between my brother and my mother. i couldn't keep my shit in check, and now coming back to this feels like i'm being punished.

i'm a great mediator. tonight was disaster averted.

sure, he provides me with a steady stream of liquor and smokes, but being around him makes me realize how similar i am to him when he was eighteen. is what i see now a clear sign of the future? i certainly hope not.

i know i lose my temper sometimes. i'm not always a great person to be around. but will i turn out the same? i suppose only time will tell, but the warning signs disturb me.

but here i am, tenth beer in hand, and as far as i know, quite composed. maybe there's a way to rise above what i've been condemned to.

good morning sambuca,

2011-06-13T14:32:00.000-07:00

ahhh, such a lovely, familiar feeling. that faint numbness, and eternal want.

today i awoke to a phone call at seven in the morning from my brother, pleading for me to come home. thinking it was something else, i quickly found my way there. instead i was greeted with promises of an 18, a 26, and takeout breakfast. not quite the rude awakening i had envisioned. my boyfriend was none too pleased when i rolled out of bed to disappear, but when he's able to drink again, i think he'll be right here with me.

monday morning drunk. i almost winced walking into the liquor store at nine, but i soon shook it off. this is what i live for. drinking, yes. but not that and that alone. there's a comfortable introspective level that i reach where most writing seems to drip so naturally off of my fingertips onto paper.

and all i've managed to think of is how i'd romanticized this situation when i was younger, right after i'd finished reading on the road, my first kerouac novel, before a drop of liquor had passed these lips, but not too far and between.

literary drunks.

i'd dreamt of drinking on the rails, sleeping next to rivers, and traveling. as a middle-class, clean, white girl of course. when i met those realities outside of my dreams, the treatment is a lot harsher than i'd imagined. but sometimes you get what you wish for, and what i'd lusted for has come to fruition a few times, not nearly enough, but enough to know. it's comfortable. it's therapeutic.

when i'm out with my boyfriend, i get crippling anxiety. i don't know who i should be around those people and it builds and builds until i flee and drown myself, and from metaphorical death comes what i perceive to be my real personality. i don't need alcohol to bring such a side out, but it's not something i show many people without it. i can think of three or four people who've seen what would qualify as my true persona. sometimes i enjoy the way i present myself otherwise. it's a bit of a game to me. it's all posturing, bravado perhaps, and a hell of a lot of holding my tongue.

but what we've built ouselves up to be in our minds is much different than the rest of the world's view of us. it reminds me of a psychology theory i remember reading about years ago that can be paraphrased to three simple perceptions; our view of our self, others' view of our self, and the true view of our self. the only one we can truly understand is the first.

so in a way, i could rise out of the ashes of my own perceptions and recreate myself at will but it's severely hampered by our own perception of what we think others think, which, once again, we'll never understand. always turning vicious circles.

nature is a horrible, cyclical beast.

turning russian circles.

2011-06-10T01:44:00.000-07:00

aha, this is a bit of a heavy post for starting this business tonight, but it's been in my thoughts lately, and these things tend to be easier to work out when written down.

as a preface, i'm very heavily into personal deconstruction. i don't see it as positive or negative, it's just neutral ground. it's something i've been into since i was a child. there tends to be a few running themes when it comes to these lists that i've noticed. they usually come 1) during a bout with depression 2) after a major change in my life or 3) whenever a spell of wanderlust happens to pass my way. right now, it happens to be all three.

here i stand, on the threshold of my adult life, with absolutely no plans that i'd made for myself coming to fruition. you know when you're a kid, you think eighteen is that magical time where everything tends to just fit together perfectly, you're off to university, probably have some steady relationships, be they friendships or fucking someone (though you were probably more apt to call it love), good job, driver's license and a car to match, living with your childhood friends that you extensively planned your home out with, money in the bank.

i have a GED, a borrowed room, and more than enough anxiety for ten people about everything that i've failed to accomplish.

i feel like things have just come to a standstill. my university bond was cashed in two years ago. i can't find a job. i find it hard to keep jobs without a car, but i never went for my license, which i need to replace, but i can't without money, and having no money has put a strain on both my relationships with people from the sheer amount of borrowing i have to do and my housing situation, having recently abandoned ship on the place i was renting due to lack of job, due to lack of car, due to lack of license, etc. this plane is definitely crashing.

it's hard to escape a vicious cycle.

and i've realized this, which leads to depression, which leads to doing a hell of a lot of nothing, repeat ad nauseam. my most impressive feat in the last two years has been sitting at SIAST and filling out a few SCANTRON tests for five hours. granted, i received my GED a month before i would have graduated high school had i not dropped out, but it ultimately means nothing.

i just want to up and leave to some small town, shut myself in, and write.

i'm still very much tied down to regina, mainly by my boyfriend, but leaving would be oh so nice. i'm not about to abandon him. i hope it didn't read that way. he's wonderful, and i spent quite some time chasing him, but i really don't fit in with his friends. we really can't go anywhere together. i take others' opinions of me way too close to heart, and this just adds to the downward spiral.

i think that's what started this whole business. not my monetary and shelter related failings, those are all by my own hand, but the depression and the wanderlust. i think a very good example of this would be when him, two of his friends, and myself all went to edmonton to go see system of a down. i was so incredibly excited to go. unfortunately, it degenerated into getting kicked out of the car after the show, cuddling with a dive hotel's ice machine for an evening, and then ultimately getting kicked out of the car on the way back from edmonton, five hours from my home city with no knife, phone, or supplies. thank god i got picked up right away by a chill trucker, but it was definitely not a nice experience. another time i got thrown down two flights of stairs by one of his friends. i've had numerous people say that they have a problem with me and don't want me in their home even though they were always welcome in mine, and many of them stayed on my couch extensively.

this isn't new for me. this happens with every group of people i associate with. i honestly don't even know why. i'm usually nothing but nice to people unless some other treatment is warranted.

and after that realization comes the wanderlust. i'm in the perfect situation to hitchhike right now, and i fully intend to. it just comes back to the boyfriend, who my involvement with lead to most of this rejection i've felt in the last few months, thus creating another vicious cycle.

shush. i'm seventeen. give me a break.

hello world.

2011-06-10T01:41:00.000-07:00

welcome to my lovely little world. things fall out of my brain and land here. enjoy.