hrm.

it's been two or three days since my boything left for bc. i'm definitely worried about him, and more so our relationship. i know traveling & the freedom it allows, and it's a love hate thing. i miss matt, no matter how detached i originally planned on being.

also, two weeks plus without getting laid is gonna suck. goddamn.

it's allowed me to be a bit more social though. i made amends with my old roommate's girlfriend and we had some beers yesterday. that was definitely lovely :3 just crazy, drunken occult times, exploring the creepiest house i've ever lived in to an extent that i never did when i lived there. it was super chill & we got along fine. i gained some amethyst, a fuckton of knowledge regarding sacred rocks, and a new female friend to be all girly with. it was a good decision.

today i murdered the better part of 26 and a 66 with my brother & his friend. it was super cool. pounding drinks & pounding old rap. for a thursday, i couldn't imagine a more chill day.

ho-hum. as much as i love it here, i gotta get on the get go traveling. gonna catch up with matt in bc hopefully, but realistically i'm just aiming for edmonton.

but onwards to that final half of the 66. cheers.

aaaargh.

please lord, be merciful and let me find my own place again by september. alone.

blinded by dramatics, ignoring all the passion.

i now understand my turning point. there's the blissful and the hateful, and that's divided very clearly between the ninth and the tenth drink. it's where good ideas go to die.

here's to death.

aha.

note to self: if you have a beer in yr hand, your phone should not be in the other, nor should you be anywhere near a computer.

new years, two thousand nine.

blackout

that night i decided that i do not fear death through a chain of twelves.
twelve hours,
twelve shots,
twelve drunk connections
that i shouldn't have made but did anyways.

i wore out my voice
and most likely my welcome
and wished for nothing but
an empty bed.

sober, the thoughts of
irrationality and self destruction seem pure,
only in the sense that i actually have to feel to experience them.
when it happened, i met the circumstances as a
sluttering, indignant disaster.

i stood out on that balcony and
looked down past my scarred hands on the railing,
and welcomed the rest of the world to do it's worst,
for all those i could put a name to already had.
.

fall in light.

And if you fool yourself
You will make him happy
He'll keep you in a jar
Then you'll think you're happy
He'll give you breathing holes
Then you will seem happy
You'll wallow in his shit
Then you'll think you're happy now.

I argue for clarity, not submission. I don't want to hear you say "I love you"

serenity.

i'm feeling rather at peace. no sleep last night, and stuck in a strange pocket of time dilation at the moment.

on my way to drunk. about eight beers in. here comes the promise land.

but there's no anger this time, nor sadness. just elation. i'm fairly content with my being right now, and it's a beautiful thing. i've realized that there's a life outside of what i've condemned myself to, and a very promising one at that.

i think this is what confidence, albeit quiet confidence, feels like. i like this.

this is why i do what i do to myself.